John Butugley is the latest winner on American Idol. Afflicted with a rare skin disease which causes warts all over his face, John has been shunned all his life. He was once referred to as ‘The ugliest man on earth’. However, he has a fantastic singing voice.
Ken: Good morning, Mr. Butugley.
John: That's pronounced "Bootugley".
Ken: Sorry. Now, if I may ask, what was it like growing being so, er, unattractive.
John: You first, hot guy. Didn’t I see you in a furniture commercial – ‘no way, no how’. (laughs)
Ken: Well, uh, I didn’t mean to offend you or anything.
John: Seriously, as you might know, looking repulsive has its advantages. It’s like the parting of the Red Sea when I walk down the street – no one gets in my way. I never wait in line anywhere – just go to the front. People always shy away and let me in.
Ken: Since you won American Idol, your success has been amazing – your CD is already a huge success, maybe the best seller ever. You have book deals. You were on the Jay Leno show, it just goes on and on. What, in your opinion, is the secret to success in life?
John: Talent, plain and simple. Beauty is skin-deep, talent is the real deal. Find out what you are good at, obsess over it, work, work, work at it until you are one of the best. The world is your oyster. One caveat though.
Ken: What’s that?
John: You want to focus on something that has no social value. Entertainment, sports, that kind of thing. You can be the best teacher in the world, nobody cares. But that’s old news.
Ken. Yeah, that’s kind of stating the obvious. What about things like being nice, doing things for other people, you know. Stuff like that.
John: Not really relevant, sorry to say. I tried being nice. Once tried to help an old lady across the street. She freaked out, screamed, ran in front of a car and got hit. Sued me.
Save somebody’s life, you get 15 minutes of fame, and it’s back to the unemployment line.
Ken: Wait just a minute. At people’s funerals, all they talk about is how good and unselfish the person was. Goodness is the main teaching of all the great religions. How can you say it has no value?
John: I thought we were talking about how to be a success in THIS life. What you do in the after life is your business. I’m just saying that, here in the U.S of A., goodness is a check that is very hard to cash until you’re dead. And then, of course, you don’t need the money.
Talent, on the other hand, is negotiable almost everywhere. If you got talent it actually HELPS to be ugly, different, old or something. You stand out from the crowd.
Ken: Sounds a little cynical. Anyway, I saw the you-tube video of your Idol performance. Lots of tears were shed. People were very moved.
John: Actually a handful of people were vomiting, but they didn’t show that on the cameras. Mostly tears, though. People get all choked up when an ugly person has talent. They could care less about you if you don’t. I haven’t helped many people in my life, but I can hit the high notes. That’s what counts.
Ken: Wow, I see what you mean.
John: Remember what I told you about going to the front of the line at the Supermarket? I sing. People cry. I check out. Simple as that.
Ken: So, looks really don’t matter, talent does. As you pointed out, being a nice person isn’t too important either.
John: Actually, having talent kind of liberates you from having to be ‘nice’. Mohammed Ali, great example. Wrote insipid verse about how great he was, insulted his opponents, never said anything ‘nice’. People loved him though, because he had talent. He knew how to hurt people, and could avoid being hurt himself. See what I mean? A talent with no social value, that’s the key. He’s worshipped all over the world now. Great example for the kids to follow!!
Or John McEnroe. One of the rudest, most obnoxious people I ever saw on a tennis court. Still making hay with those rent-a-car commercials. One of my favorites.
Jimmy Conners, Serena Williams, most basketball stars. I could go on and on. You don’t even have to be polite or civil. You can just totally disrespect people. It’s liberating.
Ken: Wow, you got me going now. I’d love to hear you sing ‘My Way’ – best song of all time! But I have to disagree with you on one key point. You said that hurting people has no value. If that’s true, then killing has no value. What about defending our country?
John: Sorry. I, uh, got carried away. I support the troops, no matter what they’re doing. Really(raises his right hand). And I own a gun too. I do.
Ken: yeah, I, uh, I do, too. Doesn't everybody? Every man, anyway? Wouldn't be prudent, not to own one.
So anyway, tell me about life in the fast lane. What’s it like?
John: You have something magic going for you – entitlement. Since you have risen above the crowd, you are not like everyone else, so you can make demands, have anything you want. For female stars, it can be something like taking over a whole hotel when you are in town – whining about the thread count in your sheets. Whatever you want.
Jay Leno has lots of expensive cars, for example. The 'cribs' people have - oh my god! Bowling alleys in the basement, 30 TVS, entire floors of video games, the sky's the limit.
Ken: Isn't all that stuff wasteful and bad for the environment?
John: Obviously not their problem. Hello! They are entitled.
Ken: Wait a second. We all put our pants on the same way, don't we?
John: Let me put it to you this way. I pull my pants down to take a crap. I have a whole entourage to wipe my ass. What about you?
Ken: Ok, Ok, I get the point.
John: But there are limits to what you can do.
Ken: How so?
John: Well, you can’t molest 13 year old girls – whoops, my bad. Forgot about Roman Polansky. In general, with sex, you have to be a little discreet. The masses are prone to be jealous. They can turn on you in a heartbeat, as Tiger found out.
Ken: So, how is your love life, by the way?
John: Never been better, I gotta tell you. For the first time in my life, women are seeing beneath the surface and appreciating the 'real me'. They love me for who I really am. That's what talent does for you - turns you a 'real' person.
Ken: That's heartwarming. It kind of reinforces your faith in humanity - it does mine anyway. Well, I just received word from you aid that your private jet is waiting … Thanks so much for your valuable time!!
John: And thank YOU for your not-so-valuable time (laughs)!
In a landmark case, John Wayne Doe was found not guilty of murdering an illegal immigrant.
Mr. Doe and the immigrant were both employees of a convenience store in Arizona. Mr. Doe
suspected that the individual was an illegal immigrant, and demanded to see his identification and papers.
When the alleged victim refused to comply, John drew his weapon and repeated the request. A scuffle ensued and the immigrant was shot and killed.
Lawyers for Mr. Doe successfully argued that the shooting was in self-defense. Doe testified eloquently on his own behalf, saying "I was just upholding the law, trying to do my part to protect our country from these people." Many in the courtroom applauded his statement, and Judge Whiteman had to immediately restore order in the court.
The alleged victim was using a false name, and his family, fearing deportation, refused to come forward and identify him. During the trial,he was referred to as Illegal13590.
Several of the jurors were asked to comment on the case. One said, "We first had to determine if Illegal13590 was a 'real person',that is, entitled to the same legal protections you and I have under the law. We decided that he wasn't." Another commented, "This 'person' would never have been killed if he had not been here illegally in the first place. So, in a way, it was really his own fault."
After the trial, the Governor of Arizona praised the verdict and declared Mr. Doe to be an American hero.
She then announced the latest proposal being considered by the legislature. The new law, if adopted, would require all Illegal Immigrants to register at a central location (to be disclosed later) and wear an armband, with the letter 'I' displayed prominently. There would be severe penalties for noncompliance.
She also announced that a celebration is being planned for this coming Fourth of July weekend to honor Mr. Doe. Tea Party members expect a record crowd, with supporters coming in from all over the country. Sarah Palin will be the featured speaker.
Ms Palin had this to say:
"Thank God for those Arizonians down there, who like us Alaskans believe in the principles this country was founded on, and with the Fourth of July coming up, wasn't it great that Mr. Doe had a gun or this guy might never have been exposed for what he was. Am I proud to be an American? You betcha."
A rally was held to protest the verdict in the Doe case. It was discovered that the so-called "protestors" did not even have a legal permit to protest. Police quickly rounded them up and brought them all in for questioning. Police denied reports that protestors had been beaten with clubs, and that some had been killed.
"Those You Tube Videos can be very misleading", one officer was heard to comment.
According to Police Commissioner Bullyer , "You always have a few nutcases there, stirring up trouble. I can assure you that everything was handled in a professional manner."
When asked what will be done with the protestors, he answered, "Obviously most of them are illegals. They will be detained, turned over to Immigration authorities, and probably deported."
The decision in the Doe case has caused some to wonder if Arizona (or any other state) will begin offering a monetary award to any citizen who shoots an llegal immigrant. So far, congressmen from western states have declined to comment on this suggestion. One was quoted anonymously as saying, "If an illegal is shot during a border crossing, that's one thing. I don't think we would ever want to encourage shootings at the workplace, however. It would be too easy for an innocent person to get hurt."
Hi, I have just joined. I write poetry and satire.
I joined this site hoping to be able to give and get honest feedback. If you think my poem stinks, tell me. I try to keep my ego at a distance. If you don't do that, you can't improve.
I am never sure where to post the satires. I may start posting them as blogs, unless there is another place that is better suited. None of them are graphic. If I post a satire and it offends anyone, please let me know. I am on the left side of the political spectrum, but not the far left. I believe we are in real danger of losing our compassion in this country - especially over the issue of illegal immigration.
