Sometimes you can't believe the ideas in your own head. You wake up every single day and see faces constantly. Faces you know and faces you have never seen before. Finally, after years of this same sickening routine, one of them is brighter than any other you've seen. One of those faces is stuck in your mind and all you can do is try to remember, to the most vivid detail, the very last time you saw that face with your own eyes. Sometimes you lose control and you find yourself moving closer and closer to that special face from across the room. This face could be someone you know or someone you've never met. You know that they will be the center of your very being. You want to hear them speak, see them laugh, feel their warmth or even meet their eyes with yours through a fucking crowd. Any of those options would mean more to you than the world itself. Now what happens if this person is someone you swore you'd never let your guards down with? Someone you have seen with others and promised yourself you'd always stay away. There is no easy way to handle such a situation; Your heart going full speed and your head slamming on the brakes. This is the time when you must make the jump. The jump brings butterflies to your stomach with the very thought. This is when you stop listening to everything around you and you go with your heart. Sometimes this ends horribly and leads others to only listen to their head and never give their heart another chance. This seldom works out in the end. Sometimes this ends with another happy couple that lasts for a few years and then goes its separate ways. This isn't such a bad experience and it leaves you with a newly acquired wisdom from the years. But sometimes, and this is very rare, there is a spark that will lead to a burning flame. This is what you see on the movie screens. This feeling isn't so much of a spark as it is a magnetic attraction. It's curiosity, bliss, laughter, frustration, nervousness,( ...etc.) rolled into one. It consumes your entire being.
Everythings changing. I'm becoming increasingly worse as the days continue on. I have done all the things that I swore I never would, and I am only 15 years old. I have drank, done drugs, smoked ciggerettes, and had sex.
You know what I do find funny though? Every time that I make one of these choices, I find a way to justify them. When I wrote "I've done drugs" I thought about adding, (but nothing hardcore, only weed, adoral, and vikadon). It's like it doesn't matter how far I've gone I always make myself feel better by what I haven't done. So what happens to me when I have done all sorts of hardcore drugs and I'm drinking alot and smoking a pack of smokes a day? Will I still be able to justify it at that point? What will I tell myself? That seems like the deepest form of low.
I was raised SO strait though, so christian and correct. I wish I was the person that my parents tried to make me into, I know I would be happier doing the right thing but it's so hard to go back to that, that I don't even know where to start now. Everyone told me that this would happen, that I should stop, go back. They still try to tell me this because they don't know how far I've already gotten. They're so blind, and yet my mom tries to judge me and punish me based on her suspisions. Correct or not she has no proof that I did half the things that she punishes me for.
I feel i have nothing left but my regrets and failures. it seems as though everyone i know has forgotten me.
My parents are disapointed, I probably got kicked out of another school, and I'm only a freshman. I'm not a bad kid, I'm really not. I don't drink, do drugs, or party. I smoke ciggerettes and cuss, that is all. nothing more nothing less.
My friends - I have aqauintences, friends I can hangout with on the weekends and the occasional weekday. Sure, we may share the occasional "deep" conversation, but no one that I can call in the case of a bad day, or if I were to get into real trouble.
And finally, the person who I assumed would always be there for me, my boyfriend. We've been together through the ups and downs for 8 months, and lately, he seems so distant. I've been feeling like this for a few weeks now, and I'm still not sure how to talk to him about it. He never makes the effort to hangout or call me, I'm always the initiator. (is that a word?) He's to caught up in hanging out with his best friend trent, and trents girlfriend, Meghan. The 4 of them (plus my boyfriends exgirlfriend) hungout every day last summer and drank all the time. I'm scared that's what he's going to start doing again, even though he's stopped doing drugs and drinking because I asked him to. I don't know, I just needed to vent. thanks for reading, and I'm not sure if this is the right question; but it's the only one that comes to mind
You know that first five seconds fater your awake? Your brain is still clogged with memories of sleep, your thoughts a jumble. It's ecstacy. No bad thoughts or memories. No stress of hurt. I've finally found that ecstacy; not in drugs or in the company of other people but in the slitts on my legs. In the razer blades hidden away in a place I cannot even write in fear of someone finding them and taking them away.
I told Collin about the cutting. He made me promise never to do it again and threatened to be mad if I did. When we got off the phone I immediatly went to get my baldes, talk of doing it was to much temptation. When I was honest and told him later that night that I had, he hung up on me. He called later and compared it to his old addiction to vike; he said it sounded like the exact same thing except his was worse because mine was a mental addiction and his a physical. I tried telling him it wasn't the same, and he countered "We both use it as an out, because we're afaid to deal with out lives." Stupid boy, he doesn't understand what cutting yourself is. Things have been weird between me and Collin lately, I'm afraid I'm falling out of love with him. I feel terrible ebcause I know how much he cares about me, but I'm just not sure if I share those feelings anymore. So much of my life has been dedicated to him for the longest time, I don't know what I would do without him...maybe it's just a phase-pms possibly?
I woke up, I inhaled a long drag of smoke and thought "How did I get here?"
Before i exhaled, pictures of my life popped in and out of my mind. Behind every picture is a little story. The 1st story made me smile, the image is from a time when i was happy, actually happy. the kind of happy that made my insides twisted and jumbled. the kind of happy that made me use the word "happy" forever. the next image is my lowest low, the kind of low that made me slit my wrists, pull my hair and scream. the kind of low that never wants to know what forever is. Then I looked around and didn't know whether to laugh or cry, I thought, "I've loved and I've hated." And then I realized, I never would have loved if I hadn't learned to hate..
everything i know is being ripped away, everyone i know is dying everyday. my dad moved without telling me, and now the house in which i grew up in is empty and barren. my mom is poor and bitchy, always judging never caring. i go to school, i come home, i eat dinner, and i chill. thats all i have every day in my life. i have no excitement, only new pains. i love my boyfriend, but even he can't make up for the empty space i feel.
Life will be going great, but for some reason, i feel distant, coldhearted, and alone.
I snap at the inocent, glare at the less-fortuned, and steal from the hearts of the happy ones.
I crack and smile, I laugh along, but all the while, I feel abandoned by the ones who say they love me the most.
I want to be happy, to smile in genuinity, instead of feeling as though my face will crack in the instant I let my guard down.
While staring into the souls of the ones to whom happiness comes naturally, I feel more pain than words can tell.
I wish I could join them, I wish I could be them. They seem to have the world at their fingertips, but the most I can do is fake that I am one; and isn't that the only face that matters?
People have always been walking in and out of my life.
Even some that outsiders would consider still IN my life, it’s a lie. I know their going to leave, because that’s all I’ve ever known.
If you look at my smile, you'll see only a disguise.
If you look in my eyes, you’ll see that I’m lost.
Trying to hurt me, is useless, because you can’t hurt someone who’s become immune to pain.
It’s like being in a war with what my aspirations are, and what my reputation is, and in a war, you ignore the losses, and concentrate on the chance that someday, you have to decide what’s really important in order to come out on top. And that’s all that really matters.
