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Challenge 8 - The sinful hunger
By supriyamothay on 03/02/2011
Viewed: 247
Reviews: 10
Rating:

A spiritual twist to this... 

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Written by Red Roses and Wine  (3/2/2011 8:15:58 AM)

reading and judging... Thanks for playing!

Thanx for reading!!! 

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Written by supriyamothay  (3/3/2011 1:38:30 AM)


sinful hunger 

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Written by flanders  (3/3/2011 12:26:37 PM)

well done its good to see someone going for
this 1 thanks for the read and good luck.flanders.,.

Thanx for reading!!! 

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Written by supriyamothay  (3/4/2011 1:35:02 AM)


The Sinful Hunger 


Written by DesertBoyIan  (3/6/2011 1:33:37 PM)

I like how this poem goes from so very lost and alone to having new hope. Although the line "not a pleasant sight" doesn't exactly feel smooth, like maybe you were straing for a rhyme, but all over a good poem! Peace - Ian

Thanx Ian for the comments 

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Written by supriyamothay  (3/7/2011 1:15:26 AM)

Now that I read in perspective, I realize that it does seem strained... I have changed that bit... Thanx again!

Helllo :) 


Written by kewlstar  (3/7/2011 8:15:47 AM)

Great poem and impressive thought process behind the theme. Now me bing a bit picky :P there are a few words you could avoid, "Carrying a rumbling "tummy"" tummy is slightly a "cute slag" word used for comic poems, and this is a very serious one :).

Also "leaving the stomach eerily wry" is very similar to "carrying a rumbling tummy" almost a repetition, would be nice if you re-worded either of those lines.

Once again try avoid rhyming so much :P I know you love it, but to a certain extend your attempt to rhyme the poem has led to some interesting word choices :P Such as "tummy", "wry", "bore" etc.

Overall this is a lovely poem; a little bit of editing and polishing will make this poem that much better. Thank you for posting it and keep writing :)

Thanx for the comments!! 

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Written by supriyamothay  (3/7/2011 10:14:52 AM)

:P I think you know my weakness quite well by now... Will try and reword some of those...

 

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Written by kewlstar  (3/7/2011 11:12:44 AM)

Attempting to rhyme is not a weakness :), it's a very good practice, and as you write more you will get better at it and eventually you will have poems with rhyme and great mixture of word choices as well.

The Sinful Hunger 

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Written by DesertBoyIan  (3/17/2011 9:34:17 AM)

Much better! Thanks for hearing our constructive criticism and not getting mad, it is meant to learn from, so we can all get better! Peace - Ian


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