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Death's Transfiguration (challenge # 8)
By JdSchooley on 03/02/2011
Viewed: 569
Reviews: 9
Rating:

hmmm 

No Rating
Written by kewlstar  (3/2/2011 8:55:42 PM)

A good poem, with a new idea of what this image can bring to us, I like the concept. There are a few grammatical errors, "hers was oft the voice of laughing?" i think "laughing" could be "laughter". I am also missing how the word "we" in the line "ceased her beating heart, we grieve" came into the context, because "we" completely changes the point of view. The major problem I see in this poem is the second stanza. I disrupts the flow of the poem form the first stanza to second, and after reading you poem several times I noticed if you move the second stanza to your 4th stanza before your final stanza, the flow becomes much better and makes much more sense in the overall context of the poem. I won't rate the poem as of yet, because I feel I am not seeing your point of view in this poem, therefore If you would clarify the second stanza going form 1st stanza it would be great. Thank You for writing and I hope I made helpful comments. Keep writing :)

kewlstar 

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Written by JdSchooley  (3/2/2011 9:42:13 PM)

I am aware of the 'we' situation and that I have changed.

The stanzas were an issue, but with short time had allowed the placement to slide past. So now I am rewriting those parts as well.

A good piece rarely falls right into place, so thanks for the advice. All good points........Jd

Lovely!!! 


Written by supriyamothay  (3/3/2011 1:43:56 AM)

A very different perspective. My favorite lines:

"Pulse of cold, crimson streaming"

and

"Life defying, past revolting"

:) Reading and judging! 

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Written by Red Roses and Wine  (3/3/2011 8:05:42 AM)

i am pleased

I'm not dead yet... 

No Rating
Written by JdSchooley  (3/3/2011 10:29:38 AM)

thanks for the input here.
I have considered the present
result of the work and feel
there may be a stanza or
two yet to write....we shall seee.......Jd

I'm waiting :) 

No Rating
Written by supriyamothay  (3/3/2011 10:58:52 AM)


up with this entry 

No Rating
Written by Red Roses and Wine  (3/14/2011 12:27:50 PM)


 


Written by MattyMatt1991  (3/14/2011 7:02:58 PM)

THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!!!!!

MattyMatt1991 

No Rating
Written by JdSchooley  (3/14/2011 7:14:57 PM)

So glad to please!! Sir,

Shal be watching your stuff, and check back with you, keep it cool.....Jd


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