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The grass is greener on the other side of the fence ch10
By alienrhymer on 04/07/2011
Viewed: 228
Reviews: 5
Rating:

 


Written by raven-wings  (4/7/2011 11:34:20 AM)

I liked the beginning the rhyme is nice to read and would think it carries on but to my surprise it doesn't, it reminds me of a lot of things how we can think green eyed thoughts when we see something that seems better than what we have already, but taking the simple things might be easier. I have to admit to getting a little confused during the piece not sure what it means other than is it really greener or it is all pretense and when we step on the other side would we miss it I wonder, hmm that is a thought that could keep me awake so best sign this and away to my own side of the fence. I am quite happy with my lot :D Maybe you could add more emotional input after all jealousy as far as I know is a human foible it might be nice to see how they really feel when they see whats on offer dont you think so as well?

 


Written by Ghostwriter  (4/8/2011 7:53:23 AM)

I like this a lot alienryhmer. love the rich imagery you've built up and again great fluency to it. the posed question "What can be more unsparing
Than a contast Of what could be and what we must" is very effective i think. i was little confused by last line? great poem.

 

No Rating
Written by alienrhymer  (4/8/2011 8:54:45 AM)

Thanks for these kind words. As for the last line, what I mean is 'varnish green eternal spleen', that is paint spleen green. Maybe I should have 'green' instead of 'all' here, I think so, now that you say it.

 


Written by mwhousemouse  (4/8/2011 2:08:55 PM)

Anna I prefer the present use of 'all' over a change to 'green'. Your intent to me the reference a blood storage organ filled with red a protective coat "varnish" change to green could 'crossing' really provide? This piece brings to my mind another cliche 'green with envy' suggesting care should be taken not to end up with a green spleen.
Your work to me seems growing in awareness meter rhythms becoming more fluent strengthening your wonderful rhyming sounds.

 

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Written by alienrhymer  (4/8/2011 11:39:49 PM)

The use of 'spleen' you are talking about opens up a new space for me. What I meant here is, however, 'spleen' as an emotion of boredom and something close to a disappointment; this sense is in the dictionary, I've just checked.


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