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Transparent Love
By Lonera on 02/29/2012
Viewed: 453
Reviews: 6
Rating:

LIKE A REAL LOVER 


Written by JOHNY  (3/1/2012 6:10:42 AM)

this is one of the best romantic poems i have read.thanks for making my day.

very nice 


Written by sailboat  (3/3/2012 10:59:17 PM)

Hi Lonera,

This has a really nice tone and several lines flow very well. A strophe break between lines 8 & 9 would improve this a bit and some of the spelling and grammar needs attention, but this has a lot of potential and would be worth improving.

I fix it 

No Rating
Written by Lonera  (3/3/2012 11:08:41 PM)

Sailboat, can you check it again please. And thank you for the review.

 

No Rating
Written by sailboat  (3/3/2012 11:41:09 PM)

Yes, this is better.

Ummm, Do you mean vibes instead of "bibes"?

Here are a few suggestions to address the grammar.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Though we may meet beyond the horizon
Though the twinkle in the stars are brighter
Than your smile
Though I ache in longing
Though I've felt belonging

Lost in the dark
Where you gave sweet promise
Light passes through me
Discerning your positive vibes
But, I'm reading it wrong

Am I cursed because I ache for you
Elusive nor decisive
Confused and lost through your words

Light passes through me
Clear as the skies
Now I'm cursed
Because my heart is broken."

Transparent Love 


Written by Unknown Member  (3/12/2012 2:45:46 PM)

Very nice poem i like the title i can relate to this poem :)

Transparent Love 


Written by Unknown Member  (4/27/2012 5:22:39 PM)

Very nice poem i like the title i can relate to this poem :)


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