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By loveyoulater1969 on 02/27/2013
Viewed: 224
Reviews: 1


Written by nsaynne  (2/27/2013 3:24:05 PM)

I found myself reading then re-reading this poem and think it has the potential to be a really good piece with a bit of work.

I found it a bit confusing ... if you mean to say "Steam rising above the tree's careless whispering of the night" - drop the period after "tree's"
...if you intend to say "Steam rising above the trees." "Careless whispering of the night." - drop the apostrophe that makes "tree's" possessive - both ways work for me to make your poem effective but you must make a decision or it is grammatically incorrect and doesn't make sense ... do you see?

The same goes for "Tender is his hands between folds" - grammatically it should be "Tender are his hands...etc" however, you have a bit of room here and poetic license as maybe that's how you want it to sound...

If it was my poem I would change "My" to "I"
so you have "I cry out in the dark"

And I absolutely LOVE the line:
"I awake in mourning" (an unintended play on words or intended - it's a wonderful line)

Forgive me for so many suggestions - I write and critique many poems but am also an editor - please believe me when I say, these are only suggestions, nothing written in stone.

From just these few lines I can see you have talent. Don't stop writing.

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