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Conversation with Ghost.
By Scout on 03/21/2005
Viewed: 784
Reviews: 10


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Written by Erin_Monahan  (3/21/2005 10:51:17 PM)

is one I will have to come back to, because I'm too stricken by it to offer decent comments right now. I really like the lines "I am older now than the sun-eyed boy you ravaged for tasty morsels of innocence." They are poignant and beautiful and the imagery is. . . yeah... I have to read it again! ~E

OK here I am, again :) 

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Written by Erin_Monahan  (3/22/2005 4:09:57 PM)

I'm going to stick to stylistic commentary - this has nice imagery, beginning with L 1, which is a good thing, from my standpoint. The second stanza made more powerful without the gerund form of "ripple" that could be done quite easily. (Puddled water on pavement/ripples with. . . ) "winters" should be possessive (winter's) on first read, I took it to be plural, which is a bit confusing. The line "shallow grave whispers." which is shallow, the graves or the whispers? "red/gold" is a bit odd, I'd think it might be more effective as "reds and golds." The next two stanzas are wonderful - I can't suggest a thing for them. The ending is your weakest area, and doesn't seem to close the piece at all, The repetition is confusing also. In all honesty, I don't think very much revision would be needed to make this really striking, a tweak or 2, and some work on the ending is all. Hope this is helpful, I enjoyed the poem very much - those 2 stanzas in particular


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Written by Scout  (3/22/2005 4:31:43 PM)

Thankyou for taking the time to give a detailed crit on this, you have done an excellent job, could you tell me, is there an edit feature Im not seeing here, because I would like to post a revision with suggestions included if possible?


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Written by Erin_Monahan  (3/22/2005 4:35:42 PM)

when you're reading the poem, you'll see a small pencil icon (like the one you see beside your name on the comments. Just click it, and you'll be able to do whatever you like to the poem.


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Written by Scout  (3/22/2005 4:57:31 PM)

Thankyou, obvious once you know lol. Ok, I have written a revise, implementing quite a lot of your suggestions Erin, altered the ending slightly, if you get a chance, have a look and see what you think, your help has been most appreciated Scout

the ending makes 

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Written by Erin_Monahan  (3/22/2005 5:02:06 PM)

much more of a statement now! And on reading again, I wonder if I wasn't completely misinterpreting the "grave" line - as in maybe it means "serious" rather than a "burial place" type of misunderstanding - or perhaps a dual meaning. . . anyway, the ending and revisions make a world of difference here! Thanks for being open to revision, some just, well, are not lol.


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Written by Scout  (3/22/2005 5:10:20 PM)

suggestions and help have made it a much stronger poem Erin, I knew the ending was shakey, but could not put my finger on why, trimming off the dramatics at the end just lifted the whole thing. thanks again Scout


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Written by Scout  (4/13/2005 7:38:29 PM)

Thankyou so much for the review on this piece, I must say, Erin had a lot to do with tightening this up into a reasonable poem, it was a little sloppy initially. Again, thankyou :). Scout


Written by Biggus  (1/14/2008 11:22:15 AM)

excellent poem 

Written by rachelle1165  (1/14/2008 1:12:22 PM)

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