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Conversation with Ghost.
By Scout on 03/21/2005
Viewed: 771
Reviews: 10
Rating:

This 

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Written by Erin_Monahan  (3/21/2005 10:51:17 PM)

is one I will have to come back to, because I'm too stricken by it to offer decent comments right now. I really like the lines "I am older now than the sun-eyed boy you ravaged for tasty morsels of innocence." They are poignant and beautiful and the imagery is. . . yeah... I have to read it again! ~E

OK here I am, again :) 

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Written by Erin_Monahan  (3/22/2005 4:09:57 PM)

I'm going to stick to stylistic commentary - this has nice imagery, beginning with L 1, which is a good thing, from my standpoint. The second stanza made more powerful without the gerund form of "ripple" that could be done quite easily. (Puddled water on pavement/ripples with. . . ) "winters" should be possessive (winter's) on first read, I took it to be plural, which is a bit confusing. The line "shallow grave whispers." which is shallow, the graves or the whispers? "red/gold" is a bit odd, I'd think it might be more effective as "reds and golds." The next two stanzas are wonderful - I can't suggest a thing for them. The ending is your weakest area, and doesn't seem to close the piece at all, The repetition is confusing also. In all honesty, I don't think very much revision would be needed to make this really striking, a tweak or 2, and some work on the ending is all. Hope this is helpful, I enjoyed the poem very much - those 2 stanzas in particular

Erin 

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Written by Scout  (3/22/2005 4:31:43 PM)

Thankyou for taking the time to give a detailed crit on this, you have done an excellent job, could you tell me, is there an edit feature Im not seeing here, because I would like to post a revision with suggestions included if possible?

absolutely! 

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Written by Erin_Monahan  (3/22/2005 4:35:42 PM)

when you're reading the poem, you'll see a small pencil icon (like the one you see beside your name on the comments. Just click it, and you'll be able to do whatever you like to the poem.

Ahhh 

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Written by Scout  (3/22/2005 4:57:31 PM)

Thankyou, obvious once you know lol. Ok, I have written a revise, implementing quite a lot of your suggestions Erin, altered the ending slightly, if you get a chance, have a look and see what you think, your help has been most appreciated Scout

the ending makes 

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Written by Erin_Monahan  (3/22/2005 5:02:06 PM)

much more of a statement now! And on reading again, I wonder if I wasn't completely misinterpreting the "grave" line - as in maybe it means "serious" rather than a "burial place" type of misunderstanding - or perhaps a dual meaning. . . anyway, the ending and revisions make a world of difference here! Thanks for being open to revision, some just, well, are not lol.

Your 

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Written by Scout  (3/22/2005 5:10:20 PM)

suggestions and help have made it a much stronger poem Erin, I knew the ending was shakey, but could not put my finger on why, trimming off the dramatics at the end just lifted the whole thing. thanks again Scout

Stacia 

No Rating
Written by Scout  (4/13/2005 7:38:29 PM)

Thankyou so much for the review on this piece, I must say, Erin had a lot to do with tightening this up into a reasonable poem, it was a little sloppy initially. Again, thankyou :). Scout

 


Written by Biggus  (1/14/2008 11:22:15 AM)


excellent poem 


Written by rachelle1165  (1/14/2008 1:12:22 PM)



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