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sunrise/under construction/revision one
By westcoastmama on 09/11/2005
Viewed: 444
Reviews: 10
Rating: No Rating

Hi! 

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Written by sonataincminor  (9/11/2005 9:20:11 PM)

I'm going to suggest either present or past tense, but not both. I think present/present perfect would suit this poem better. Oh, and ask for more than one kiss, one touch. Ask for lots more.

yep 

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Written by dfresh  (9/14/2005 8:27:08 AM)

keep working. The foundation is here, but needs some work (like the tenses, and hey, tie the sunrise back in...maybe after watching the sunset, too.)

yick 

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Written by westcoastmama  (9/15/2005 11:20:41 AM)

this is proving to be a challenge in itself!

 

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Written by maggieb  (9/19/2005 2:39:54 PM)

not bad for construction work. I have been under construction myself, can't seem to find Inspiration.

Maggie!! 

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Written by westcoastmama  (9/20/2005 10:37:27 AM)

Haven't seen you in a while....yeah, I know what you mean. My muse is MIA, like I said, but I'm still pluckin' along. Hope you're doing alright.

Tag, you're it!! 

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Written by sonataincminor  (9/23/2005 7:33:00 PM)

share with me meandering kisses
and whispers that linger and press
against the morning window

and I will show you colors anew
unveiled with each new sunrise


(To share with you, embolding thought
from curve to touch upon a curve
words silent as the morning dew

unwrap the ribbon of colors,
unveil your own new sunrise.)



PS. Made it back...
PPS. Liked your first draft better... ('in turn' doesn't work in a love poem. Maybe 'I turn'...)

Ooh!! Yeah! 

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Written by westcoastmama  (9/23/2005 10:50:00 PM)

I like this addition. Glad you made it back safely. Dangit. Now you're gonna make me think.......

Keep going, 

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Written by icyrain  (9/24/2005 8:12:21 PM)

I like what you're doing, it'll jive when you least expect it to and then...


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