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Our Time Together
By AngelsMommy1999 on 12/09/2005
Viewed: 975
Reviews: 4
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Written by BDDC  (12/9/2005 10:23:56 PM)

Wonderful parallel structure at the beginning of each stanza, and the last makes good use of rhythm.

Perhaps, in the third stanza, last line, between "my" and "heart", a two syllable adjective would help to re-establish that same rhythm that is found in the first two sets. It seems to be a bit off when read out loud.

Touching, indeed. Nice work.

 

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Written by BDDC  (12/11/2005 7:58:37 PM)

If it were me, I'd make the following changes:

Line 3: "don't" to "cannot"

Line 7: "we are" to "we're"

Line 8: "always in my heart" to "always inside my broken heart"

But, then again, it isn't me, so I wouldn't take that too seriously. I still say this is a wonderful work of heart.

 

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Written by AngelsMommy1999  (12/12/2005 5:36:35 PM)

Thank you BDDC, I changed it and I like the way it turned out , I very much appreciate your input, I look forward to reading more of your work as well as hearing your opinion on more of mine,,,,,, until next time

 

No Rating
Written by gently*collapsing  (12/20/2006 1:15:39 PM)

I love this poem. It really touched my heart. Just recently my sister in law lost her baby boy who lived for only 45 minutes. do you mind if i print a copy of this and give it to them for christmas? they would really like it. they just lost the baby on november 14th.
~becca
~gently*collapsing


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