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Deep Within Winter *with footnote*
By westcoastmama on 07/11/2006
Viewed: 973
Reviews: 9
Rating:

Oh, wow, 

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Written by Pilgrimage  (7/11/2006 8:51:20 AM)

I can't wait to hear them together. Tell me when it's ready.

Nan

:-) 

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Written by westcoastmama  (7/11/2006 11:46:19 AM)

But, of course!

 

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Written by wickedhart  (7/11/2006 11:58:37 AM)

I really enjoyed reading this. Very nice!

:-) 

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Written by westcoastmama  (7/11/2006 2:45:50 PM)

Why thank you. :-) You'll enjoy hearing it as well. I'll post the link soon, I promise

It ~is~ lyrical, Mar. . . . 


Written by MikeC16958  (7/12/2006 12:37:48 AM)

the repetition is like something I've heard before and I can't place my finger on it. Fleeting but so intense, almost mantra-esque. As someone put it about one of mine: sad and wistful. Like small waves of energy that wash over you with every repetition faintly making out some melody but not quite receiving it completely. Echoes and yet not. Waves but yet not. Like Jimmy Webb's "Adios" sung by Linda Ronstadt in a way but with the same repetitions where as he used, Adios, morose, California coast. Somewhere deep down inside it whispers of ends, goodbyes and the meloncholy calm that comes from the recollection of "when snow covered the ground." Beautiful, honey, lyrical, too. I am repeating myself, aren't I? HUGS.

I want to hear the combination whenever it is done, please!

yup... 

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Written by westcoastmama  (7/12/2006 1:29:05 AM)

you were paying attention. :-) He's gonna get the mp3 to me Friday. I'll post it afterwards.

Good deal 

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Written by Jack Frost  (7/14/2006 4:08:29 AM)

I tell ya I felt it end with the ninth stanza, but then I, of course, saw four more stanzas. I feel this to be good, but I also see room to make it more concise, utilizing the power the repetition, being careful not to over use it. it sort of comes full circle there, ready to slide into an conclusion.

I am of the opinion that this poem would work rather well and be more effectivif it consisted of ten stanzas. And in the tenth stanza it should introduce the new image of
"We sat by the fire
Drinking each other in"

followed by the repitition of

"Deep within winter"

then leaving the images of ash instead of snow symbolizing an end. represent that end as a metaphore by saying something to the effect of 'And your ashes' or 'with your ashes covering.'




"But that's just my opinion. I could be wrong." Dennis Miller

Thanks James. 

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Written by westcoastmama  (7/14/2006 10:17:46 AM)

When you here it with the music, you'll understand why I did it this way. I'm also revising it again...I see where I can improve it with just a couple of word changes :-)

 


Written by wordgigolo  (4/26/2015 6:00:06 AM)



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