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Pain
By vlietsblonde1345 on 02/03/2007
Viewed: 552
Reviews: 4
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Written by Persephone Rose  (3/14/2007 3:08:57 PM)

the structure of your poem makes what you are saying harder to find the flow of. perhaps consider changing how the stanza is written.

I agree. 


Written by scanman77  (3/16/2007 10:30:22 PM)

I see the feelings, but still needs work.

A couple of fixes . . . 

No Rating
Written by GaerLlwyd  (3/17/2007 9:27:23 AM)

This does need work.

One thing, the "burning sensation" and "how could you do this to me" -- could be confused with the symptoms of veneral disease (gonorrhea, particularly) and you might want to make change to get away from that.

I notice you don't use apostrophes, but that is a distraction. Disdaining punctuation is fine. Refusing to capitalize the first person, singular pronoun is a method. But in contractions, I'd say to use apostrophes. Especially in line 3, where where you've used the wrong "your". Y-o-u-r is a possessive --- the form you need is "you're", a contraction of you and are.

Thanks for posting and best wishes with your edit.

Gaer

 


Written by evilangel18  (8/21/2007 3:15:27 PM)

I liked it. I have copied your poem and made some changes that I think will make your poem easier to read.

The pain and burning sensation i get,
It doesnt fit,
I cant believe you would do this to me,
You see i gave you everything
and now you're leaving me,
To be alone,
my soul breaking away into a ocean of pain deep in my body,
memories forgotten,
I am broken


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