Your basic idea is a great one,and powerful. I was really hooked as a reader.
I actually think you've got two poems here. The first line is one-a great line!- which seems to be about a difficult but focused journey. The second line could go with either the first or the rest, which are part of another poem altogether.
You could also use the structure of the poem, especially with line breaks, to make it even more powerful. For instance, the last two lines might have more impact if you moved the "and" of the penultimate line to the last one.