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Kiss
By candice on 08/06/2007
Viewed: 450
Reviews: 1
Rating:

Pickin at nits 


Written by Davidjroth2002  (8/6/2007 12:47:53 PM)

Hi Candace. I like this - short, concise, much said with few words.

Ah, but the words.

You bounce back and forth between the language of today, and something that wants to be but isn't quite 17th century England.

'We' and 'our' in the royal use of the time would be the same as 'me/I' of today, and the use of 'our' which would be the same as todau's use of 'mine' is confusing.

Second stanza should be 'you an(d) I'

Then there is the issue of little things like using 'i' instead of 'I' or 'I,' when you really meant 'I'm' (contraction for I am) but still off in the piece as you're playing it becuase the antiquated language whould have really read for that last stanza:

We are opitch as the darknight and
thou ar(t) brught
as the brightest of days.

(Think about something less word there - perhaps 'thou are bright as midday sun.' or something more direct like that.


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