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Burned
By Kristina on 09/27/2007
Viewed: 423
Reviews: 4
Rating:

hello 


Written by SeXy_MoMmA_16  (9/28/2007 11:14:19 AM)

that is very good keep it up
love (JeNna & SuE FoReVeR)

 


Written by mmesservey  (9/29/2007 12:01:25 AM)

Wow! Nice effort. Really makes one think. Thanks.

read it out loud 

No Rating
Written by Vintaris  (9/30/2007 1:20:26 PM)

I think a different word for "milder" would be more suited, and the sentence "As feels the [gaze of men that pass]" could be corrected with "As the feel of gazing men that pass" or "like feeling ..."

the last sentence I love..

:0)
bri

 

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Written by Kristina  (9/30/2007 4:42:37 PM)

to Vintaris:

to me the word 'milder' seemed proper to asociate with 'rays' and the gaze of people, meaning 'less intense'. What I meant in the verses you mentioned: the rays feel milder the same way the gaze of men feels milder.
yes, the last sentence highlights the message of the 2nd stanza ;). thanks for commenting!



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