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a slice of life
By blogetry on 12/07/2007
Viewed: 544
Reviews: 3
Rating: No Rating

 

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Written by Davidjroth2002  (12/7/2007 12:31:59 PM)

James,

I'd move away from capitalizing every line when it is in fact a sentence or the continuation of a thought. Also, 'md's ' could mean any number of things. It would be better to use whatever word you really meant here.

Nice work otherwise.

revised 

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Written by blogetry  (12/7/2007 12:48:54 PM)

Thanks Dave for the critique. Check out the revised version....

 

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Written by Vintaris  (12/7/2007 3:22:36 PM)

quote:
the sumptuous display of glazed breasts

Oedipus complex? kidding- read it too quickly

Seems like a lot is in past tense- conglomerated with present.
examps.
"Anxious glands salivate(d)"
snap(ping) the transient thrill of euphoria,
steer(ing) my smitten eyes
"I dabble(d) and twirl(ed)"
"filter(ed)"


I think I gained a few reading this, too.
Bri :0)



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