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naked judges
By blogetry on 12/15/2007
Viewed: 371
Reviews: 4
Rating:

James 

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Written by Jon von Nottingham  (12/17/2007 11:31:04 AM)

I read this am impressed with some of the imagery. I think you are pretty close to crossing that threshold.

Not sure you chose this forum though, actually I am not exactly sure what you are writing about. Who is Pablo? Why 2 stanzas? Why not 3? You have original stuff here, i.e. smiling waves, but it is surrounded with banal cliches like dusk and dawn.

There is this too:

A cleansing sea
with naked judges
to filter truth from lie
that souls of clear conscience might thrive


Good, but akward and hard to grasp..

I dont like to rewrite stuff for people, but just for the sake of-insert word here after coffee-
I will.

Naked judges
fliter lies
from a cleansing sea
of truths....

This is probably not what you were trying to say, but I don't really get the poem... But it does read better....

roe v wade 

No Rating
Written by blogetry  (12/17/2007 1:20:50 PM)

thanks for the feedbacl Jon - this is one of my quick pieces, a work in progress....I was thinking about the Roe v Wade controversy but I need to tighten it up a bit...
regards,
Pablo (my pen name);Blogetry (my web handle); James (my birth name)....that's two names too many huh? :-)

 


Written by AnaIsabel  (1/1/2008 9:55:12 AM)

Perfect!!!Amazing

thanx 

No Rating
Written by blogetry  (1/1/2008 10:10:07 AM)

thanx for rd/rview anna :-)


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