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Tressure I Seek
By kewlstar on 03/04/2009
Viewed: 457
Reviews: 6


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Written by JdSchooley  (5/2/2009 2:56:15 PM)

This goes along OK but the end falls flat.


Written by theoxygen  (5/3/2009 2:52:28 PM)

i like this poem cos it has a pretty universal meaning.
the only thing that confuses me is the title.
beautifully written though!

So it seems 

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Written by kewlstar  (5/4/2009 1:57:09 AM)

Yes, Jd, i woudl agree the ending does fall flat, its one of my early poems, therefore the quality is lacking. I hope to have improved much more since then, i may edit this poem and spice it up :).

Oxy: Well the title pretty much leads to the girl being his treasure :). nothing much creative :P

really loved stanzas 1-4 

Written by Nai  (5/22/2009 2:26:26 PM)

I'm glad you commented on my poem... i love the lines in this poem...

JD was right, but i believe you should end your poem with the fourth stanza instead of destroying a flowing thought with your second revision.

the fifth stanza is really just a trailing thought, a break. delete, move, make a new part

like a
you have the first (I) and the begining of the second(II).. try it, it won't hurt right ?

Nai :)

OH Yeah 

Written by JdSchooley  (5/22/2009 4:46:51 PM)

That really sails now. I am hot thinking the end is perfect, but it's mighty fine, just as it is.

Thank you 

No Rating
Written by kewlstar  (5/22/2009 5:30:47 PM)

Thank Nai and JD for reading, this is a really old poem, only edited it once. Sometimes i feel lazy to look back at my old poems and try to fix it hehe. I am more motivated to write new ones and interested in editing the new poems which i feel has better quality than my past poems :)

But thank you for reading and your comments it really helps :)

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