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Silence with a lil help :P
By zlobna7879 on 05/18/2009
Viewed: 416
Reviews: 7
Rating:

 


Written by JdSchooley  (5/19/2009 7:00:41 PM)

I am not hearing everything I might want to know here. I think you may be holding back on us. Jd

 

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Written by zlobna7879  (5/20/2009 11:20:47 AM)

:P
maybe a bit...but it's not always good to write the exact one,i've changed it :P

 

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Written by istandalone_09  (5/21/2009 10:46:23 AM)

i really like this one, you have a great style of writing.

Edit : ) 

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Written by kewlstar  (5/21/2009 12:40:07 PM)

Hopefully this will be helpful, if you dislike my changes, feel free to ignore it. :), i am simply trying to help.

Everlasting is the grasp of placid void,
The volatile spectrum of silence.
My ears forfeit,
As my eyes hallucinate,
Where is he?
Where did he just go?

All I breath,
Is dust particles,
Trapped between,
Flowing smoke,
Oozing above tear drops,
accompanied by my cigarette.

I miss his hazel eyes,
I miss his care...

Sweet silence,
So bitter-sweet you are;
Because your arms are gone,
When I need a shoulder,
You're never around.
But silence,
Whisper into his ears,
That I miss his presence.

Hope you like the edit :). Tried my best to keep the essence your of idea and theme. Keep writing and good luck :)

typos :P 

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Written by kewlstar  (5/23/2009 12:55:56 PM)

"all I breath" --> Breathe

Bravo ;)

Keep writing

 


Written by Onojin  (5/24/2009 4:06:49 PM)

fantastic language! all the way through, but first and second stanza are just oozing with feeling and do a great job of drawing the reader in, allowing them to share with the writer. another one with simplicity containing superb depth, easy to read and very easy to enjoy

good poem 

No Rating
Written by kkjive96  (6/5/2009 9:12:52 AM)

it's a good poem, but what really threw me off was you said breath instead of breathe in the second stanza... other than that, it is really good.


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