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By theswimmer90 on 01/29/2010
Viewed: 527
Reviews: 2
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Written by EmptyBamboo  (1/29/2010 6:18:06 AM)

This one certainly demonstrates your word-weaving and word-manipulating abilities. It certainly attracts the reader's attention.

However, it is hard to keep reading to the end.
I see next reasons for that:
1. You composed it completely unstructured, as a single paragraph. This leaves few things to go by.

2. It is rather windy, you probably could pack your idea into a half-sized story. Try to put it into a sonnet form and you will have no chance to be windy!

3. Some repetitions are just boring. For example, count cases for "mind", "conscious", "soul" etc.
Unusual is use of "proximity" and it is used twice which is putting out.

4. It appears to be too inward. The reader needs more sharable things to see (hear, touch etc.), but your "mind" or "subconsciousness" are little sharable.

The conclusion leaves a confusing sense.

To summarize, it looks in-process at the moment.
Hope to see an improved version soon!

Thank you,
Pavel

PS Please, no offend.

 


Written by Lysmay  (2/14/2010 5:53:05 PM)

I like the wording in this. Though I felt a little detached. It was all your own it wasn't as though i could feel the same, it felt like a letter to some one that I didn't know and didn't understand. I knew that you knew what you were saying but I didn't feel it as a reader.
Also I had to keep my finger on the screen to remember where i was. Though I must say your way with words is amazing. I may not have understood the meaning but I like it anyway.


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