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By montyfuss on 11/03/2010
Viewed: 376
Reviews: 5
Rating:

Just a thought 

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Written by Red Roses and Wine  (11/5/2010 8:25:36 AM)

I like the imagery here. There is substance here; however, there are way too many fragments. -Which they are ok to use with the correct grammar.

For example:
Hair darkened silk flowing perfect

You can either make it a:

Hair darkened silk is flowing perfect. (a complete sentence)

Or

-Hair darkened silk flowing perfect
Hair darkened silk flowing perfect…
hair darkened silk flowing perfect (not following rules)

I am a traditionalist. I like to see grammar and/or whole sentences (whole ideas)

Or the use of no punctuation at all

These slight revisions can make the piece very effective. Some poets don’t care but others like to see a job really well done. But there is a lot to work with here. Because behind the words there is romance, emotions, feelings, beauty…

 

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Written by montyfuss  (11/5/2010 9:52:36 AM)

I've considered this. But I'm trying to use a play on the term of fragment. It's not yet a full thought, which is why it is not yet a full sentence.

 

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Written by montyfuss  (11/5/2010 9:52:51 AM)

I've considered this. But I'm trying to use a play on the term of fragment. It's not yet a full thought, which is why it is not yet a full sentence.

 

No Rating
Written by montyfuss  (11/5/2010 12:08:05 PM)

Hair darkened silk flowing perfect...
Eyes of a moon sky...
Smile of a thousand morning rises...
Skin of cashmere soft and warm...

A personality match of physicality reflect.
Deep as the oceans abyss
Bright as the morning sun
Loving as the summers day.

A love that makes want me to fly.
A love only between her and I
A love that defies all law
A love of freedom in bliss.

A mind that sensationalizes.
Poetry and wisdom falling in love in the mind
Physical beauty overwhelmed with the beauty of thought
Thoughts for searching love.

A heart that is forgiving of all form.
A heart looking at the present and remembers no past
A heart looking at the light in the darkness
A heart knowing no hate.

A love of true.


There is a subtle rhyme scheme which I was trying to hint at by capitalization. However I don't think any longer that it is so subtle that it needs this. Thank you Red Roses and Wine.

<3 


Written by jjcnana9009  (11/5/2010 4:57:37 PM)

I love this poem. Your deion is so real it almost made me feel like you were painting a picture. Your vocabulary is off the charts, even though I must admit I am not the best person to come to for punctuality and spelling as you probably can see. Great job.


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