Written by Cervantes (8/22/2011 2:38:40 PM)
I think you need to connect the disjointed thoughts here a bit more. You have some concrete images that begin to paint a picture but then a random line breaks the images back. Lines 5-7 are great whereas two and three are just so disconnected it hurts the poem. I suggest a little more work to make this poem into something more vivid for the reader.