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I Am A Woman
By Rebecula on 03/10/2016
Viewed: 115
Reviews: 2
Rating:

 


Written by jpl222  (3/18/2016 2:00:22 PM)


So I was thinking about it right 

No Rating
Written by semi_psychiatrist  (8/10/2017 4:24:17 PM)

I liked it, I think it could use a trim *no pun intended*.

The subject matter is important and points out a very sensitive topic, so naturally its talked about a lot which makes it a bit tricky to write while still being "punchy" or, I guess, poignant.

IMO, I think poetry is most beautiful when says a great deal with few words. Here's an example of what I'd trim.

I am a woman
Hear me roar (cliche)
Through child birth
And child rearing (obvious and repeating "child" does't do much for wordplay)
Hormone decay and hair peeling
I will do things
That have never been done
(you can better than the obvious, I believe in you)
And then some.
Glass ceilings will be busted through
Not by you
(it could seem stronger if you end without a rhyme)
Because (redundant)

my editing:

I am a woman
through child birth and rearing
Hormone decay and hair peeling
I will do and have done without - you
Accept that some glass ceilings must be busted

I am a woman

I added a little flair in some spots but, that's the purpose of revising. Feel free to use whatever if you like it.


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