The date is now December 03, 2005 and I think I am loosing my mind. I keep hearing him whisper my name when I am awake now and last night oh god last night I dreamt of him again. I dreamt of his face, his lips and his touch. I felt his touch. I thought if I took something to help me relax I would have a normal slumber but there was nothing normal or peace about what happened. Shortly after I drifted off I found myself awaking in almost a haze and then I heard it again. “Angelia,” the voice whispered and I sat up and looked around and it was if my room was engulfed in this thick mist that seemed to move but I didn’t see anyone at first. “Angelia I am here,” the voice said just as I began to see a figure form in the mist and it began moving toward me and I sat there in disbelief of what I was seeing and he came closer and closer until he was standing beside my bed and then he reached out his hand to me. I was shaking but something about those eyes that gazed upon me made me reach back for him and when I touched his hand it was as if I floated up from my bed onto my feet and stood before him. I was so close to him and his lips pressed against my forehead and they were so cold and yet they ignited this fire deep inside of me and he pulled me even closer and my lips pressed against his strong statuesque chest and I was in awe of him. In awe of this man that I heard calling out to me in my dreams and haunting my waking hours and yet this was the first time that I had actually seen or came close enough to touch him. Writing this now even seems so crazy to me but if I am slipping away from reality I want to keep record so that someone can know how things started and maybe even find out why. But anyway as I stood there face to face with this enigma this presence that haunted me I wasn’t afraid. I can’t explain why I wasn’t afraid but I wasn’t. Then he ran his hands up both of my arms and up my neck and then he cupped my face in his cold hands and turned my face up towards his and looked deep inside of me with the coldest yet the most beautiful blue eyes I had ever seen. They pierced through me deep into the depths of my soul and all of my pain he saw and all of my sins he witnessed. He knew me from that moment better than I know myself and I felt him soaking in my very essence and then he kissed me with lips that are red as a magnificent ruby and at first I tried to push him back but only gently because I was overcome with passion and desire for this familiar stranger. When he felt me push at him he pulled me in closer and held on to me tighter and fear and lust rushed through me at the same time and I couldn’t help myself so I wrapped my arms around this man running my fingers through his beautiful black hair and then we began floating up and up until we touched the sealing and then I was overwhelmed with fear of the idea of falling to the floor and then he whispered ever so softly in the most angelic voice I had ever heard saying, “I will never let you fall my dear.” He eased my fear and I wasn’t even afraid when gravity pulled my head back and my hair was dangling as he kissed my neck nibbling ever so gently. Then he released one hand from me and started ripping off the buttons on my nightgown and I heard them as they hit the floor with sounded like thuds in the eerily quietness of the room and the my night gown itself hit the floor and we began twirling round and round and he began making the most passionate love to me in the air. It was all so real and I felt each thrust of his hips as he moved in and out of me pleasuring me like I had never been pleasured before until we both exploded it such ecstasy. When it was all over he kissed me as we began descending back down to the floor and then he lifted me up and placed my naked body back into my bed. Kissing once more on the forehead before he just disappeared into the mist again and then all of sudden the sun started rising outside of my window and it was morning. I don’t remember closing my eyes or even opening them back up this morning and it scared me so bad but not as bad as when I rose from my bed to find that I was indeed naked. My nightgown was lying on the floor with buttons missing and I found the buttons all over the floor just like I had dreamt. I couldn’t believe what was happening this morning and I have been trying to figure this thing out. I hope no one came in and took advantage of me while I was having this dream. Oh my I don’t know what to think or what to do. I couldn’t go to work so I called in and I’ve just been sitting her thinking and pondering everything playing the events over in my head. I’m trying to figure out if I could have maybe taken off my own nightgown and maybe thrown the buttons around the room while sleep walking but that doesn’t explain the feeling I have in my body. That feeling you get after making love all night. I called a shrink and I have an appointment today but I wanted to keep record for myself.
The date is now December 13, 2005 and things haven’t gotten even worse. I went to see a therapist about the things that were going on and she thought that it was a terrific idea to keep this journal about the events that are taking place. Right now she thinks that it maybe stress that’s causing all of this and I hope she is right and I hope things will get back to normal soon. When I went to see her we talked a lot about some of the things in my past that maybe a cause to all of this. We talked about what happened to me while I was in college which is something I tried to bury there. She said that the only way to get over it was to confront by talking about it and dealing with it instead of locking it away so I am going to try this just to see if the thing that is haunting me is really just my past. I was a senior in college and it was close to graduation and my sorority had a huge party at our house. We were the most popular sorority on campus and everyone knew our parties rocked. The Thetas Gamma girls where the hottest as well and I was one of them. It seems like that was a lifetime ago. I had friends and a life and I had a boyfriend that was real and was happy. Until one night took all of that away from me. It was the night after graduation and my boyfriend had gotten drunk and sick and passed out and I was very drunk myself. I remember dancing to a song sung by Pink. I can’t remember the name of the song because I was that wasted but I sure remembered what happened to me after the party. There were some guys there and they didn’t even attend our school they just crashed the party. We didn’t throw them out because they were behaving for the most part. For some strange reason though I noticed that they weren’t drinking like everyone else they had bottles of water. It was three fairly normal looking guys and I even danced with one. I guess that was why they chose me. The guy that danced with started getting fresh but I was partying and didn’t mind. Then after the dance he went his way and I went mine and then the later it got the more people started trickling out going back to there dorms and frat houses or at least the ones that weren’t passed out. I found myself stumbling up the stairs trying to step over people and get to my room but I fell and that was when that guy that I danced with came over and helped me up. I remember he was tall about six feet or something and he had brown hair and dark eyes and he showed no real emotion and his voice was really deep. Yes I remember that voice and I will never forget it. He walked me up to my room and dropped me on my bed and I told him thank you and he left or at least I thought. I was getting very dizzy so I dragged myself across the hall to the shower and took a cold shower to try to wake up a little so that I could find Brad, my boyfriend. When I got out of the shower and went back into my room that guy whose name I still don’t know was sitting on my bed. I asked him what he was doing there but he didn’t say anything. I began feeling uncomfortable and I asked him to leave and I opened up my door and he got up and walked out. After I put on my pajamas I walked by to the stairs to find Brad when I saw that guy and his two friends coming up towards me and for some reason I panicked like I knew something bad was going to happen and I started walking fast back to my room and just I turned the knob and I opened the door they were behind me and I felt that guy press up against me and put his hand on top of mine on the knob and my heart dropped as he opened the door and pushed me in. He pushed me down on my bed and then two of them came in while the other stood watch. All three of them raped me that night but it was the tall one with the deep voice that I remember the most saying that I wanted it and that this was my fault and I screamed and screamed but no one could hear me. The next morning I locked myself in the shower and I scrubbed and I scrubbed until my skin was raw trying to get their smell off of me. I was dirty and it felt like I couldn’t get clean and pretty soon everyone was banging on the door asking me what was wrong but how could I tell them. So from then until now I kept everything inside of me blaming myself for drinking for dancing with guy for the entire night. Maybe my therapist was right. Maybe this is just a way for my mind to get this out instead of having it fester inside of me rotting away. I haven’t been able to be with a man since then and of course my boyfriend didn’t like that and we broke up shortly after. I can’t say that it was just because of sex because it was more about him not knowing what was wrong. Anyway that brings us to today a whole three years later. Maybe I just want to be intimate with someone but the only way I can is in my dreams or maybe I am going crazy or maybe by some crazy fluke I am living in an apartment that is haunted by some horny ghost who know these days but I am still afraid. Afraid of being crazy and afraid of not being crazy.
The date is now December 20, 2005 and something so terribly strange happened the night that I finished my last dictations. I fell asleep on the sofa and dreamt of him again. He once again came to me and spoke to me and touched me and took me but this time he didn’t disappear into the mist instead he sat beside me and started talking to me. “I need you,” he said in that wonderful voice of his. I didn’t know what he needed from me and I couldn’t move. I could never move when he is near me. I am frozen not in fear but in absolute awe of this beautiful man. His face and his chest and all of his features look as if he had been chiseled from stone by the hands of a master artist. I have to stop that stop thinking of him that way but I can’t especially now. Anyway he spoke those words that are now itched in my memory and then he lifted my head and pulled me close to him like he was going to give me a hug or something and I felt his breath on my neck and this sharp pain. He had bitten me and I could feel my warm blood flow from my body onto those lips of his and he began sucking and then I began flashing on images of us making love. I could see it so clearly and I could feel the passion and the pleasure and it was as if it was overloading my mind and I screamed out in pleasurable pain and then he pulled back and I black out. I awoke the next morning on the sofa still unclad and I ran into the bathroom and they were their. The two marks on my neck that had already formed a scab like it was trying to heal and I screamed and fell to the floor. I didn’t know what to do I was still in denial of things and I thought that maybe I had done it to myself in my sleep but how. I couldn’t tell my therapist because she would have locked me up if she thought that I was a danger to myself and I definitely didn’t want that. I was so tired and I have been ever since. I just sleep now and I can’t even muster enough energy to go to work. I don’t know how I am going to pay my bills or anything. I just sleep and dream and let him feed off of me while I sleep. I’m so tired now I have to go to sleep I will write again tomorrow.