|I can't get dressed today.
By nicolemeeds on 09/28/2014
Hi my name is Nicole and i can't get dressed today.
It's not because i'm lazy or dirty, i just can't.
It's like a wall blocking my path, stopping me from taking a step forward.
Or a step back.
I can't really tell anymore what direction i'm going.
Where am i going? i tell myself i don't know; but is it that i do know, but am scared?
Am i just sitting here worried that where i am going is so clear that it freezes me. Stops me from moving forward. Stops me from jumping over that wall. Instead i just add to it.
Until soon enough i can't see.
I can't see. I can't open my eyes. I can't wake up on time.
I can't get dressed.
Why should i change what i'm wearing when i don't even know if i can step forward.
i tell myself this on a daily basis. I'm not good enough. I don't understand. But maybe i do understand.
Maybe the fact that i am aware that i am going nowhere, that i can't break the wall, that i can't get dressed, is because that's where i should be.
A calm insanity. An organised mess. It repeats again and again, to the point where i just assume.
The familiarity of not going anywhere, or nothing changing. Like a blanket that wraps around me, slowly choking me,
but i am comfortable.
I am used to it.
I tell myself it's ok.
My friends tell me it could be worse. I could be a drug addict. I could be unfaithful to the only one that keeps me sane. I am faithful. Faithful to him. Faithful to my situation. I don't want things to change.
Well of course i want things to get better; that goes without saying. But i don't think i can do that myself. This place, this small box that i have fit myself into; although small and dark, it is comfortable.
Why don't you push yourself to improve? You mean break through the box that holds all my secrets, my pain, all the memories that i try hard to forget or cry over because i can't remember. That box that has become my home. That box is almost all that i know. That box that almost drown me in my tears but then sheltered me like the womb. You expect me to step forward into unfamiliar territory.
I am not a soldier.
I can't fight to better a world of pain because pain is all we know.
Pain is what brings us together. A mutual understanding that it is ok to hurt. Pain is the trigger.
A slap around the face that tells you, she is not ok. That girl over there is not ok. That girl is smiling.
I am smiling, i make you laugh, not because thats who i am, but because i have to. I like to watch your faces. For a moment when we all smile, the sadness goes away. I get to forget about my box for a little while.
Then i climb in again.
It's not that i am lazy, its not that i am dirty, i just can't.
My make up is smudged. My hair is greasy and messy. I am wearing my boyfriend's clothes.
Not because i am possessive. But because they are his.
Knowing that a little piece of him is with me. A small reminder that i am not alone. Knowing that at some point i have to give these back. It means i can see him.
I can't step forward, i don't know where i am going, and that's ok. The wall that i have built around me does not have to be a prison. I am not trapped.
Even if right now i don't have the strength to build a door and see what's on the other side,
I can sit here worrying for days on end, delaying, pretending that i'll make a decision when all i really want to do is stay in bed.
I can sit in my box, slowly rocking in the darkness. I can distract myself with meaningless everyday tasks, or completely forget about them. It doesn't matter what i do because in the end, i will get there.
I don't know when it'll be or how i'll do it, but i will get there. Wherever there is.
For now i am safe. Safe in the stability of my worries and knowing that i don't have to figure things out just yet. I have time. Something so precious that we forget.
Time is more valuable than diamond or gold. More valuable that money or superficial lifestyle.
I have been given the gift of time.
I am alive.
And its ok
its ok that i can't get dressed today.
? By nicolemeeds On 9/28/2014 3:02:53 PM