Not so long ago Heidi brought a new dryer - women should complete these purchases being that they match the colour of the Wedding Dress and all.
We needed this appliance because the big one in the garage was overheating (which is kind of funny being a dryer and all - its like telling the repair man your washing machine is getting the clothes too wet) and due to the fact that I am primarily lazy and prefer a dryer to the washing line (again - the line does not wash anything and in Aucklands weather system does not dry anything - its almost a relic of the past in this latitude of 36, 52S) - and yes I am the one who spikes the electricity usage for the Greater Auckland area. Well its the dryer but mostly the Space Portal I fire up now and again for interstellar battle - Playstation has nothing on actually being salivated on by a Miradigian Gilla Monster.
Anyway - back to the dryer.
Being the observant bastard I am about 2 months after the purchase I noticed that the machine had various settings/functions for the drying of the clothes.
Now when I first started out in life away from the safety of home I had a dryer which was much smaller than this one and all it had on it was a timer dial which, being a male, I cranked it up to the max all the time regardless of what I put in it.
That was it.
Neither the dryer nor I had any illusions about our relationship to each other nor what our respective duties were.
But now - apparently things have changed drastically.
On the dryer, come computer, there are settings which begin at 'Extremely Dry' - 'Very Dry' - 'Cupboard Dry' - 'Iron Dry' and 'Warm'. On the other side is a sliding scale for temperature as well as an 'Anti-Crease' option.
What the hell - suddenly I felt I required a University Degree as the machine that faced me now emanated a smug intelligence - or high heat. Whichever it was it was more than I was able to cope with at the time.
I looked at the Dishwasher for solace and found a simple push button and dial to start.
Ahhhh - the replacement wife.
This settled me somewhat - and caused a thought.
If the Dishwasher was to emulate the Dryer its settings would be drastically different.
The top setting would probably be 'Ready for use when the Queen comes around for Dinner' then 'Dinner Party Clean' followed by 'For use in the start of a Relationship' with natural progression to 'Old Relationship Clean' then it would finish with 'We have kids now' and finally 'For Otago University Students'.
Now that I had finally mastered the train of thought needed for approaching an understanding of the new dryer I felt a sense of achievement the height of which Archimedes must have felt when he discovered the answer to the Kings question of how much his Crown of Gold weighed - being there were no scales or universal methods nor agreed measurements back then.
Ahhhh - the height of success has such rarefied air that my nose began to bleed and to compensate I had a couple of hits and let Jim Morrison open a few doors for me.
I almost yelled the Magic word.
But not quite.
I will retain the exhortation of 'Eureka' for the moment I am able to retrieve matching socks from the damn machine.
By that time I will be in a very cold bath with the wrinkles of time exaggerated on my everything.