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UncomfortablyNumbs Journal & Rants \

I thank you



I thank you
By Riptide on 11/17/2016
Viewed: 122
Reviews: 0
Rating: No Rating
It's 3:54Am
I feel it in my chest
I feel myself shake
Ache
I run my hands through my hair
over and over with sweaty palms

Your my weakness
my gut wrenches
butterflies or knives
I couldn't tell you

I squirm
I itch
I tweak

3:57AM
It's been two years
They say you do things you shouldn't when your drunk but it always seem I do the worst when I'm sober..
I refresh
I refresh I refresh I refresh I fucking refresh

Nothing.

What was I thinking..
I clench and unclench my fists
I hate you
no
I hate you so fucking much
no
I feel nauseous
I don't even miss you
I love you
NO.
Stop
stop stop stop stop STOP.

4:02AM
I just wanted to see how you were doing
that's it.
It's been two years
It's been two years...
Why did I click send
I'm strong
I'm strong
I've been so strong
I used the pain you gave me as strength and I made myself strong
so why did I click send.
Why now.
The amount of times I've gone through your pictures over and over and over

our pictures

And I never gave in...
Pins and needles
You give me pins and needles
A sensation so strong that comes on so sudden after sitting on something for too long
A sensation where you can't move a muscle for the first couple of minutes without falling.
You give me pins and needles
your my sensation
I can't move
but I reach..
I'm falling.
Go away
get away
GO AWAY your not welcome here.

4:16AM
I close my eyes
I remember to breathe
you knock the wind out of me
BREATHE
in and out
in and out
with my head in my hands
my hands...
I have your fucking initials tattooed in a heart on my hand
I couldn't forget you even if I wanted to because every time I start to see a future with another man
I see your initials in the place where a ring would be.
I catch myself rubbing the ink
I do this subconciously everyday
it's become a habit
I guess some part of me hopes if I rub it enough it will fade away
but it doesn't
and it hasn't
and neither will you.

4:26AM
You leave a bad taste in my mouth
"Hope you're well"
I can't believe I said I hope you're well.
You ruined me
no
You built me
no
You tore me down
NO
I tore myself down trying to build you up
I let my own life fall apart tring to fix yours
You chose the drugs over me.

You built me

You showed me what it is to love someone more than you love yourself
I will never do that again.

You built me

But hear me now
You did not make me.
You are the mere foundation beneath me.
A constant reminder of what killed me.
You keep me rooted.
The thought of what you did to me keeps me steady on the path to never feeling that degree of pain again.
I am loving myself because of you
the hardest thing I've ever had to do was break my own heart in order to walk away from you.
I am loving loving myself
I am making it
I am loving myself
But I will never forgive you

forget you

or regret you

It's 4:35AM
I thank you.




















By Riptide On 11/17/2016 3:40:52 PM
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